For my third Stephen King film, I picked Thinner (1996), which is kind of a mixed bag for me. The novel is one that I read over and over and over again to the point of it falling apart because I just thought the story was so damn cool, but the translation to screen is a little bumpy. Mr. Tom Holland is the director of this one too, and he co-wrote the screenplay adaptation with Michael McDowell (who helped craft the screenplays of both Beetlejuice and The Nightmare Before Christmas!).

The story of Thinner is pretty basic, and somewhat chilling (at least, in the book it seemed so): overweight, obnoxious lawyer Billy Halleck (John Robert Burke) accidentally runs over a gypsy woman in his car and kills her — while his wife is giving him head —  and then uses his connections to get out of being punished for it. The gypsy’s ancient father decides to takes matters into his own wrinkled hands, by cursing Halleck with something that causes him to lose weight rapidly no matter how much he eats.

It doesn’t take Billy that long to figure out what’s up, and once he does, he spends the entire movie running around looking for a way to break the curse — and, and ogling hot gypsy Kari Wuhrer, but who wouldn’t? It’s a little boring, but since the whole movie only runs 93 minutes it’s okay. The best/funniest parts involve Wuhrer and her slingshot, and Joe Mantega as mob boss Richard Ginelli, who’s also an expert on Gypsies. Or something.

Part of the problem with this one is the special F/X – that fat suit is heinous, dude. It doesn’t look as bad in the photos as it does on screen, but mygod. The edging! If only Glen Hetrick had been on set to give the makeup department the smack-down! The old age gypsy makeup is pretty bad too, but at least the increasingly thinner stages of Halleck got a little bit better. Plus, I mean, THIS EXPRESSION IS PRICELESS:

The end of the movie is pretty close to the end of the book (which I remember being totally shocked by!), but of course since it’s a film they have to tack on something a little extra. (Side note: somebody actually edited the last scene so it matches what happens in the book! THE INTERNET IS RAD SOMETIMES.) With very little gore save a slingshot pebble through a hand and some interestingly gooey pizza-face moments, it’s a fun watch in terms of dated ridiculousness, just not in terms of splatter. 

There are good things: Burke is a pretty fantastic actor, and he does a great job even with this material. His wide-eyed delivery just works here! And Mantenga chews up every scene in this thing — you know, just like he does in everything. Plus, as the gypsy curses ramp up the hysterical tone of the film gets even more hysterical with every line of dialog, which is honestly pretty entertaining.

And of course, there’s also Kari Wuhrer in full-on “Sexy Gypsy” costume mode with some  impressively big 90′s hair (and possibly the worst Gypsy accent ever):

Just be careful! She doesn’t take kindly to people drooling over her. Especially “white men from town”.

Final recommendation: This is the kind of King adaptation that would lend itself well to a Bad Movie Day with a bucket o’ booze and a bunch of like-minded friends.  It’s just a lot more fun (if memory serves) not watching it alone.

31 Days of Horror, 4 days in, and I’m Stephen King’ing it up with Children of the Corn (1984). I bet all y’all are expecting me to say that is another dud, but NOPE! As dated as it is, I am still genuinely scared by this movie because it combines two of the things I am most afraid of: a remote country location and a bunch of off-the-rails religious zealots, murdering people in the name of the Lord — only in this case, the lord is known as “he who walks behind the rows.” *shiver*

Poor Burt (Peter Horton) and Vicki (Linda Hamilton). They’re just driving through Nebraska on the way to Seattle (!!!) so they can start a new life together, when they accidentally hit a boy and then end up in Gatlin trying to find help. Unfortunately, the creepy, mostly deserted small town is ruled by a gang of children who believe that they have to sacrifice anyone over 18 in order to make the crops grow. Or something. I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter, because the lead preacher kid, Issac, is fucking terrifying, as is his red-headed second in command, Malachai. No I mean it. I had nightmares about both of these kids for YEARS. Years.

Look at these crazy worshippers! All gleefully preparing to sacrifice each other. Ick.  

Anyway, at some point while Vicki and Burt are running around with a couple of little kids who don’t want any part of this madness, Malachai gets all power-mad and stages a coup, taking over leadership duties, Vicki ends up tied to a corn cross — and so does Issac — and Burt has to think fast in order to save them all. I mean, all except the crazy ones who keep trying to stab him.

Sure, the end is kind of cheesy when He Who Walks Behind the Rows actually shows up, but those kids, man. THOSE FUCKING KIDS. The prologue where they show the parents being slaughtered is one of the only splatteriffic moments in this film, but it’s pretty boss. These fucking KIDS crafted their own totally crazy religion, and then slaughtered all the adults in the entire town, and THEN continued to murder any other adults that wandered through it for years, in addition to killing themselves when they got too old. GAHHHHHH. Horrifying.

If you’re like me and this is the kind of stuff that scares you, I recommend it. I wish I could say the same thing about its SEVEN sequels, but I quit somewhere around number 4 because they were all boring and terrible. And so was the 2009 TV remake, which almost put me to sleep waiting for the good parts … of which, there were none. Part of the problem was that remake Issac and Malachai were sooooo lame. And it turns out King wrote that screenplay … which was originally for this version, but Director Fritz Kiersch was like, “NO.” and had another dude rewrite it instead. Good call, Fritz.

So, YES to the 1984 Children. NO to the 2009 Children. And YOU SHOULD NEVER WATCH ANY OF THE SEQUELS, EVER, even on a dare. In fact, if someone dares you to watch any of them, just say, “Fuck you” and then punch them in the neck.

Needful Things is one of the Stephen King books that I’ve read more than a few times, so I was prepared to hate the 1993 film adaptation … but it’s one of the adaptations that actually holds up — amazing, considering it follows the novel pretty faithfully, and it’s directed by Charlton Heston’s son, Fraser Clarke, who doesn’t have the greatest track record.

Things is set in the  fictional Maine town of King’s popular supernatural spot Castle Rock, where things are going as good as they can when you have a complete idiot running it. Sheriff Alan Pangborn rarely encounters trouble in his small, peaceful town, until new shopkeep named Leland Gaunt arrives with a store full of curiosities called “Needful Things.”

From the moment he arrives, you KNOW he’s trouble. Probably because he’s played by Max Von Sydow, and you only have to take one look at that guy to know he’s a bad-ass. Gaunt takes obvious pleasure in fucking with the town’s citizens, immediately enlisting a young boy to pull some pranks and start some shit between simple-minded Nettie and bully Wilma, and Reverend Rose and Father Meehan, who already can’t stand each other’s religious preferences.

And to keep Pangborn from ruining his fun, he gifts the Sheriff’s girlfriend, Polly, (HI MRS. MCCLANE) with a creepy necklace that magically takes all of her intense arthritis pain away so as to hook her into protecting him. Gaunt’s game is to hand out enchanted objects for favors — my favorite being the pair of 70′s sunglasses that make a lonely housewife think she’s sleeping with Elvis — that so entrance their owners they are desperate to do anything to keep the object and the high that comes with them. He’s the crack dealer of Castle Rock, which is awesome since his crack is Hubble figurines and baseball cards. Then he uses that crack to get what he wants: namely, having everybody murder each other and burn the entire town down in the process.

The best part about this story is: he almost succeeds … and he totally gets away with everything he’s done, too.

The movie is a slow burn, for sure, but it’s so much fun to see Von Sydow smirk his way through the entire thing.  Actually a huge reason this movie works is because of the casting: Ed Harris as the flustered Sheriff, Bonnie Bedelia as the conflicted Polly, Amanda Plummer doing what she does best: play someone totally awkward and unhinged, JT Walsh being JT Walsh — even  Sean Meier kind of rocks it as the kid who gets tricked into setting it all in motion. Plus, the special F/X are pretty minimal so even the worst of them are easy to get by.

Final recommendation: Hell yeah, give this one a go. It’s an entertaining entry in the King adaptation list, even at 2 hours.

Sleepwalkers (1992) is one of those Stephen King movies that hits the sweet spot of horror movie enjoyment: it’s hilariously terrible, but still so ridiculous it’s fun to watch. It also doesn’t hurt that it stars one of my top 5 girl crushes of all time, Mädchen Amick,  and Borg Queen Alice Krige, who was born for to play creepy women that you’re strangely attracted to even though they will most likely murder you in your sleep.

Mick Garris directed this original screenplay written by King for television, and if you pay close attention to the cast, you’ll see cameos from Stephen himself (of course), Clive Barker, Joe Dante, John Landis, and Tobe Hooper, as well as Mark Hamill decked out as a policeman.

The plot makes absolutely no sense, but that’s somehow okay. Mädchen plays plucky high school student Tanya Robertson, who falls for the hunky blonde new kid in school, Charles. But while Tanya has make-out plans on her mind (one of my favorite lines of bad dialog in this film involves Tanya saying “Oh, we’ll do some RUBBING” after the two of them make plans to go to a cemetery to do some … rubbing. Like on paper. With charcoal.), Charles is actually planning to steal her virgin life essence, which he and his mother need to survive. Why? Well, because they are “sleepwalkers”, aka some kind of giant Were-Cat things. OH, and Charles and Mother Mary are also totally sleeping together (ewwwwwwww). OH OH – and! They can be killed by — wait for it — CATS.

HOLD UP.

They are ancient cat creatures that can be killed by cats? I don’t even. I can’t … but that’s not even the most perplexing thing about this movie. The most perplexing thing (and also the most hilarious) is actually how Mary kills a policeman by jamming a corn cob into his back (“No vegetables, no dessert!“). Also, how have the two of them have survived this long if one cat scratch can almost fatally wound them?

There is so much stupid in this thing, but I’ve still watched it SO many times, especially when I’ve beed a good laugh. And it definitely does not take itself too seriously either. The cat-thing makeup alone is just so … I mean, there’s two states of it: the first looks much like the vampires on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and the second state is. It’s um. Well, look:

But still! My final recommendation is that yes, you gotta see this one. By all means, load up on drinks first, and invite some friends over, because it’s WAYYYYY more fun with a lot of people than it is watching it alone. I can’t exactly say it’s a “good” movie, but it’s sure as hell entertaining if you love cheese. I promise you will laugh the whole way through.

And if you’re not convinced, this scene with Mädchen might change your mind:

Unnnnnnggggh. I thought I’d try to watch a Stephen King film I hadn’t seen before, and one of the choices on demand for me to pick from was this Riding the Bullet nonsense, which is a movie based on an e-Book King wrote in 2002. Again, King wrote the screenplay, and again, Mick Garris did the Directing.

The gist is that shortly after trying to commit suicide (but not succeeding, obviously) this college kid Alan Parker gets a phone call that his mother had a stroke, and decides to hitchhike to the hospital to see her. Of course all the people he gets rides with are total weirdos, but the last guy, George Staub (Hi, David Arquette! How’s that movie career going?), is actually dead. Or Death. Or something — and he tells Alan that he has to make a choice: either his mother dies, or Alan does. Along the way there are hallucinations and some flashbacks to The Bullet in Thrill Village, which is an amusement park ride Alan was too scared to ride as a kid. Ah, metaphors.

Anyway! The  most exciting thing about this movie is … the trailer. And that’s it. Otherwise, it’s completely BORESVILLE all the way through. It’s not even bad enough to be good, or to watch with friends and make fun of. It just is.

Final recommendation: SKIP THIS ONE. It’s not worth 98 minutes of your time.

Firestarter (1984) is one of those Stephen King adaptations that was constantly playing on television, so saw it about 100x during my pre-teen years (I think my parents didn’t consider it a scary horror film because it’s not a slasher flick, so it escaped being part of the “not until you’re 13″ rule they imposed).

And while the film does scare me, it’s not Charlie — so brilliantly played by a tiny Drew Barrymore — and her pyrokinetic powers that I’m afraid of. Nope! It’s the government that’s after Charlie and her father that I’m afraid of! Specifically “The Shop” that caused Charlie’s parents and her to have their powers, run by a steely Captain (Martin Sheen) who’s only interest is using Charlie as a weapon, and even more specifically, one-eyed John Rainbird (Geroge C. Scott), who becomes obsessed with Charlie and somehow thinks he can absorb her power.

After Andy McGee (David Keith) arrives home to find his pretty wife dead (Oh, Heather Locklear! You and your amazing hairdo barely get any screen time in this movie), he grabs his daughter Charlie and the two are off and on the run from government agents. Aided by Andy’s ability to “push” people to get the things they need, they run into some minor trouble when it becomes clear that Charlie has trouble controlling her pyro powers — especially when she’s mad. Of course, eventually the government agents catch up and capture them, and that’s when we meet John Rainbird. *shiver*

Rainbird feigns a friendship with Charlie by pretending to be a maintenance man, and creepily ply her with kind words. I say creepily, because you definitely get the distinct feeling that he’s interested in more than just stealing her powers. YICK. Scott is fucking excellent in this role, and I can’t ever see a photo of that guy without thinking of him saying “I love you, Charlie!” in this movie and then immediately getting the heebie-jeebies. He ends up fooling her for most of the film, right up until her dad tries to break her out and things go wildly awry.

Sure, watching Barrymore work up to the torching is kind of hilarious, but the defiant way in which she decides she’s not taking anymore of The Shop’s shit is AWESOME. (“That’s NOT my fault!”). Also,  the fireball special F/X are still boss, even now, and watching Charlie slaughter all the dudes who have been aiming guns at her and her father for the entire movie is really satisfying.

Final recommendation: HELL YES. This one’s a keeper — a great addition to any horror movie collection, and something you can watch again and again and still be entertained.

terrifying

The two adaptations that have been made so far of Stephen King’s The Shining are a pretty stellar example of what I mean when I say that when King adapts his own work, it just doesn’t make for a good film. Stanley Kubrick re-worked King’s story into his own by adapting the screenplay himself for his 1980 film, and then a pissed-off King (who never thought Kubrick got it right), wrote his own adaptation for the Mick Garris-Directed TV miniseries of The Shining, which aired in 1997. 

While I think Garris and King’s adaptation is pretty terrible, I understand why they did it: they both felt that Kubrick made his own version of the story that was completely different from the book. Garris has a good explanation of it here. It’s an interesting story, Mick, but unfortunately almost nothing about your film was scary. The only moment I found myself gritting my teeth through was when Weber’s Jack Torrence assaulted De Mornay’s Wendy with a croquet mallet (as written in the book), and I mean BEFORE his face morphs into demon-mode — but it was still nothing close to the way I feel every single time Nicholson axes through that door to get to Wendy and Danny. NOTHING. CLOSE.

not-so-terrifying

Kubrick’s Shining is jam-packed with crazy intensity, and features some of the best, most horrifying images in the entire genre. Those long, creepy hallways that Danny speeds down in his Big Wheel; the all read bathroom; the little girls in blue dresses; the elevator that ejects a river-full of blood out of its doors; the icy desolation of the hedge maze; the woman in 237, and so many more! Not to mention the incredibly awesome paintings on Dick Halloran’s wall. I don’t even buy into any of those crazy critic/fan/whatever theories: I just think it’s  a straight-up terrifying film, all around. It’s a gorgeous piece of filmmaking that I can watch over and over and still see something new every time. It’s AMAZING.

Really, the only redeeming thing about the mini-series is Melvin Van Peebles as Halloran, who totally holds his own, even against Scatman Crothers. Unfortunately, Garris and King’s Shining sticks to the book almost too closely (thus its 4 and 1/2 running time), and really showcases things that couldn’t be translated well to the screen, like the crappily-rendered moving hedge animals. I mean, my god. They are SO laughable! And a fire hose with teeth. I wish I was making that up, but I’m not. And then, he even takes it a bit farther by sticking a super cheesy epilogue onto the book’s ending (in which Jack comes to his senses long enough to save Wendy and Danny by warning them about the boiler he’s about to explode, and in which we are treated to Dick, Wendy, and Danny being all buddy-buddy at another resort) where we see Danny’s High School graduation, and his father’s GHOST NODDING IN APPROVAL. HIS GHOST. I. What.

Keep in mind, I haven’t actually watched the mini-series since it aired in 1997, but I am still scarred (and enraged) by that goddamn ending. Also, there’s this:

I’m sorry, Steven Weber, but you are an awful Jack, oops, I mean, John Torrance.

Not that I even have to say it: but my final recommendation is that you watch Kubrick’s The Shining forever and ever, and just forget that the mini-series even exists.

Tales from the Darkside: The Movie is one of those films that I always forget about, and then when I watch it again I’m like, “Oh, hey, this is great! Why don’t I own it?” I can only chalk it up to seeing it on TV over and over and over again in the 90s, which apparently created some kind of near-blackout in my brain when I try to think of horror movies that are wildly entertaining.

Anyway. This 1990 horror anthology features 4 stories (one of which is an amazing wrap-around story starring Deborah Harry and Matthew Lawrence), and the middle story is based on Stephen King’s “The Cat from Hell.” George A. Romero (yes, THAT George A. Romero) adapted the screenplay from King’s short story, and the entire movie is directed by John Harrison, who also directed a bunch of episodes of the Darkside TV show. 

Yes, that’s a cat emerging from a (dead) human’s mouth. 

Cat from Hell is a noir-ish story about a filthy rich, wheelchair-bound old man (William Hickey) who hires a hitman (Hi there Buster Poindexter! I mean, uh, David Johansen!) to kill … a cat. A cat which he believes has killed all of his other family members/housemates. A cat which he believes is evil. And surprise! It totally is. What follows is fun game in a giant mansion where you get to see the cat stalk the assassin and outsmart him at every turn — complete with some scenes from the cat’s POV. I’m not sure I ever read the short story this is based on because I only seem to remember the details in this film, so I can’t speak about how close it is to the story, but I can say this is pretty boss. Atmosphere, suspense, comedy, and most importantly: a really good amount of splatter.

Final recommendation: Absolutely give the whole movie a watch. The first segment is the strongest (plus it stars Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, and Christian Slater), and I love, love, love, the wrap-around with Blondie, but this one is pretty great too.

In order to save my sanity (lest it break from too many awful adaptations) I had to take a break from my Stephen King project this weekend to review a couple of horror films by Dario Argento instead.

Ah, Dario Argento. I feel like Italian horror is either something you completely love or completely hate, and I’ve been completely in love with Argento since I viewed Suspiria when I was a teen. After that, it wasn’t long before I was driving down to Scarecrow video every weekend to check out more Argento films, along with some Lucio Fucli and Lamberto Bava (Demons and Demons 2! YES). In order to love Argento, you have to love bad dubbing, melodramatic acting, and watching women’s heads crash through glass windows over and over and over … and over again. Which I do! 

Which brings me to Tenebre, his 1982 film about a serial killer that targets a famous author by copying the method of each murder written on the pages of his books. Tenebre is FULL-ON Argento madness, complete with a score by prog rock group Gobin (who also did the scores for Deep Red and Suspiria). There are some beautifully executed scenes in this one and lots of splatter to go around, including a brilliant murder involving a machete and a (temporarily) white wall — and just when you think you might have the whole thing figured out, he throws in a pretty gnarly twist at the end. I hadn’t watch it in awhile so I didn’t remember most of what happens, and I was hurling a lot of “WHAT THE FUCK!”s at the screen this time around. But man oh man, was it enjoyable. It’s worth a watch just for Daria Nicolodi’s wardrobe alone.

Bonus: Watching John Saxon eat up his scenes as the author’s cocky book agent.

I also noticed that Argento’s newest film, Dracula 3D (2012), was on demand, so I gave that a try recently too. Of course that meant I didn’t get to see it in 3D, but I  guarantee you that would not have made this film any better because it’s terrible … and yet it’s SO terrible, it’s almost great. First off, Argento chose to make this one a period piece, which only enhanced its resemblance to the Hammer Horror Dracula films. Secondly, every single actor in this is fucking awful, dubbed or not. Including his daughter Asia as Lucy — and I find her to be a capable actress in other films. Third, while Argento kept the basics of Bram Stoker’s story, he did a lot of insane shit with the legend of the Count himself which includes his ability to shift into all manner of things — the most ridiculous of which is a giant fucking praying mantis. A GIANT. PRAYING. MANTIS.

Fourth: I don’t know what is up with CGI F/X in Italy, but mygod. They looked like something a 5-year-old kid drew up on his home computer. I hope they didn’t pay very much money for those! And fifth: sadly, there’s not even very much blood in this! And he really spreads what little there is out. (Although I did enjoy this scene above, where it looks like Dracula is pulling that guy’s neck like taffy)

Honestly, though. It’s just so gloriously terrible that I still kind of loved it. And I have to think that maybe Argento meant it that way … no, I mean, I HAVE TO. I didn’t love the film before this either (Giallo) but this is so totally unhinged it that the missteps must be deliberate, right? I’ll choose to believe that, anyway.  :)

Final recommendation: YES to both — but prepare yourself for the awfulness of Dracula with a few shots first.

Stephen King’s “Carrie” has  been adapted three times now, and while I’m a long-time fan of DePalma’s 1976 version, the newest addition by Kimberly Peirce is pretty damn good too. Really, the only horrible misstep is David Carson’s 2002 made-for-television version, which whole-heartedly SUCKS.

SPOILERS! SPOILERS!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!! 

Carrie (1976), as directed by Brian DePalma, is a fucking gorgeous masterpiece. The screenplay, adapted by Lawrence P. Cohen, takes a lot of the best elements from King’s story, but it’s the directing and the performances that really make this version the best. Spacek was 27 when this was filmed, but there is no way you would know that while watching her shrink into herself as 16-year-old Carietta White. Piper Laurie’s near-hysteria in every scene as Carrie’s mom, Margaret, is AWESOME, Amy Irving is perfect as popular girl Sue Snell,  and Nancy Allen totally nails is as the entitled mean girl, Chris Hargensen.

DePalma’s signature camera moves only make everything better: the prom devastation — and Spacek’s eye-popping performance — are enhanced by his split-screen madness, and the perfectly screechy score by Pino Donaggio is just brilliant. The prom scene is AMAZING, with blood, flames, and screaming everywhere. It’s gorgeous!  And that ending … MYGOD that ending. The crucifixion of Margaret White followed the implosion of the White’s house and Sue’s terrifying dream. It’s all just so damn beautiful. You might laugh a bit at the distinct 70′s look of this one (in particular, William Katt’s hair and powder blue prom tux), but it is a perfect adaptation of King’s work.

In contrast, the made-for-TV  Carrie (2002), is just terrible. Intended to be a Pilot for a Carrie television show (WAIT. WHAT.), this adaptation is directed by David Carson with a screenplay by Brian Fuller (WAIT. WHAT.). This version frames the action — what little there is — with police department interrogations of Sue Snell (played by Kandyse McClure), MISS Desjardin (Rena Sofer), and various other Prom-goers in order to find out what actually happened the night of the Pig Blood dumping.

Bad girl Chris Hargensen is played by Emile de Raven and she does okay, but comes across as more pouty than mean — and missing the gleeful mania of Allen in DePalma’s film. The script is awful, but some of the biggest disappointments here are the two leads, which is pretty shocking, since I normally LOVE these two: Angela Bettis as Carrie, and Patricia Clarkson as Margaret. Bettis, who is amazing as the title character in Lucky McKee’s May, plays Carrie White a little too timidly, and when she “flexes,” her mind, she looks like she’s having a seizure. And Clarkson — well, she tries — just not hard enough for me to care about her performance. She’s just “eh” in this movie … like all the passion of acting has been drained out of her.

Also, the Prom scene is a disaster, with a multi-camera angle switch when the blood pours down on Carrie, and some pretty hokey F/X. Carson & Fuller swapped the crucifixion bit in DePalma’s for the original heart stopping death of Margaret just like in the book, which doesn’t play quite as dramatically. And of course, the biggest error in this one (and there are a ton) is letting Carietta White live at the end — with the idea being, I guess, that Sue & Carrie run away and have “telekinetic adventures” in different parts of the world during the series. I AM SO GLAD that didn’t actually happen!

The latest adaptation, Carrie (2013), directed by Kimberly Peirce, is a much better update. Peirce and her screenwriters chose to add in a few more scenes from King’s book, and match their story arc pretty closely to DePalma’s. But the updates are spot-on, making the story accessible to a larger audience (OMG, that makes me sound SO OLD. but I it’s true — I feel like teens are going to identify with this one more than an adaptation made in 1976), and the casting is perfect.

Chloe Moretz, 15-years-old at the time of filming, rocks Carrie so hard! Watching Moretz’s in full destructo-Carrie mode  is so great! The head tilt, the vacant eyes, the FURY. I love her as Carrie. And Julianne Moore, though she chooses to play Margaret White a little quieter than Piper Laurie, is just as effectively creepy. Plus, Newcomer Ansel Egort made me take notice of Tommy in a way I hadn’t before — not even in DePalma’s — because he is SO charming, and so “aw, shucks” cute that you love him, and Portia Doubleday as Chris Hargensen is … HOLYSHIT. She’s just so good, you guys. The prom scene is just as thrilling to watch in this one as it is in the ’76 film, and Margaret’s death in the book is here, but made a little more exciting with some added elements.

There’s just one tiny scene at the end with Sue and Carrie that I think maybe wasn’t necessary, but I appreciated more once the director told me why she put in there. Is the ending as good as DePalma’s? No, I don’t think so  … but overall, I just think Peirce did a  fine job making something that doesn’t shit all over the story, and I  think there’s room to love both the 1976 and 2013 versions. They’re the same’ish, but the Directors left enough of their mark on each to make them both worth watching.

Final recommendation: Rent DePalma’s first, then go see Peirce’s . And there’s absolutely NO REASON for you to ever see Carson’s … unless you really, really, really really want to punish yourself.

{You can find my full review of Carrie 2013 on threeimaginarygirls.com, and my interview with Director Kimberly Peirce is there too. I’ve also written about Brian DePalma’s Carrie in the past on I Love Splatter} 

So much for getting this all wrapped up last October! Excuses are lame, so I’m not going to make them. Instead, how about I finish what I started by giving you the scoop on the rest of the Stephen King adaptations I’ve seen.

{side note: even though I LOVE The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile, Stand by Me, and Dolores Claiborne, I don’t really consider them horror so I didn’t include them in this list}

1408
I really wanted to like this one, because John Cusack! And Samuel L. Jackson! And a creepy haunted hotel! But unnnnnnnggggggh….I hated it. The special F/X were pretty boss, but the plot is a mess, the acting is just plain NOT good, and the chosen ending (out of several alternatives) was pretty fucking awful. I know there are a ton of people who love it, though…maybe they appreciate it as over-the-top entertainment? So while I’d say SKIP IT, I don’t know, you guys. You might like it.

Apt Pupil
It’s been awhile since I watched this one, but I remember being really impressed with how the story was translated on screen. Ian Mckellan is postivitely terrifying as Kurt Dussander, and Brad Renfro (poor Brad Renfro!) is equally so as his student? Admirer? Hater? Who knows. This is one of the stories that I was really into when I was a kid, so a lot of the nostalgia I have about Different Seasons is probably leaking over to my love of this adaptation.

Cat’s Eye
Totally. Awesome. There is no other word for this 1985 horror anthology. “Quitters, Inc.”, “The Ledge”, and “General” are all amazing—even if they are crazily dated. James Woods kills it as a smoker terrorized by the company he hires to help him quit, the gambling/ledge story is ridiculously entertaining, and the cat that manages to save little Drew Barrymore from an evil tiny troll is hilarious! So much fun.

Christine
Another early-80s adaptation that’s pretty good. I remember being disappointed with this one initially, but as time passed I found I appreciate it more. All kinds of metaphors about the woes of being a teenager are packed into this one, and even though all the actors playing the high-schoolers are clearly many years graduated (especially the bullies), it’s a good ride {HAAAA}. My personal favorite: the hamburger scene. Oh, Christine! You’re so jealous.

Creepshow
My love for Creepshow is deep and abiding, and helped fuel my love for Tales from the Crypt many years later. George A. Romero-directed, Tom Savini-F/X’d, and a cast of fantastic actors (okay, maybe not Stephen King in The Lonesome Death of Jordy Vernill) make this an annual re-watch favorite. All the stories are great, but “The Crate” with Adrienne Barbeau as Wilma is THE BEST, and I will never be able to burn the image of millions of cockroaches suffocating Upson Pratt out of my brain. NEVER. Eeeeeessssh.

Creepshow 2
Directed by Romeo cinematographer Michael Gornick, again with Savini special F/X-the second installment in the Creepshow anthology series is not as good as the first, but still pretty decent. The best story out of the four is “The Raft,” which has some amazing gore—and is also a large part of the reason why I refuse to swim in lakes. Fun fact: every single time I watch Cabin Fever, I think of The Raft.

Cujo
I used to HATE this film based solely on the fact that the end of the movie is different than the end of the novel, but I rewatched it last year and it’s actually really f’ing suspenseful. The drama that unfolds prior to the dog actually terrorizing Donna (Dee Wallace forever!) and her young son, Tad is pretty soap opera-y, but the main action is worth the wait. Mind, changed!

The Dark Half
I am irrationally fond of this film, and I think that again, it’s due to my nostalgic love of the book. I don’t know why I love the idea of a writer’s main character coming to life and acting out all kinds of murderous scenarios that he wrote, himself, but I just do. The cheese in this one is SO ridiculous—but I love it still. Timothy Hutton circa 1993 is pretty rad, you guys.

Dreamcatcher
No. Just no. Don’t do it.

The Lawnmower Man
There was a time when I would have recommended The Lawnmower Man to you, but that time has long passed. There is no scenario in which I would recommend you watch this film, ever. (even if you wanted to what shitty virtual reality rendering looked like)

The Mangler
The Mangler! Oh, The Mangler. Look, this film is simply terrible. It’s about a laundry-folding machine possessed by a demon that actually WALKS out of the laundry to kill people. No, seriously. It does. BUT: It has Robert Englund in it, and Ted Levine. Levine is famous for playing serial killer Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs, and for some reason every line of dialog he spits out in this film is barely intelligible; it sounds like he’s chewing his own face off. I find it infinitely amusing.

Maximum Overdrive
I have one thing to say to you about this amazing movie: death by Pepsi can. And if that isn’t enough to sway you, AC/DC did ALL of the music for it. Now, go forth and watch! (and drink a lot while you do) You’re welcome.

Misery
Holycrap. This is one of the best Stephen King adaptations ever filmed, EVER. Kathy Bates deserves the shit out of that Oscar AND that Golden Globe for her portrayal of the obsessive Annie Wilkes, and James Caan was just as amazing opposite her as poor Paul Sheldon, the writer trapped in her cabin while recovering from an “ooky” car wreck, forced to resurrect his killed-off romance novel character, Misery Chastain. I still grimace during that hobbling scene. It’s… bone-crunchingly good.

The Mist
This one tends to get lost in the shuffle, labeled as a cheesy adaptation of a cheesy 1980 King novella. Although the premise—and the monsters—in The Mist start out as kind of less-than, the human element is dark and terrifying, the cast is perfect, and the end. Well, I don’t want to give anything away, but it’s pretty brilliant.

Secret Window
Total snoozer. Johnny Depp’s face is God, but that’s about it.

Silver Bullet
YESSSSS. I recently re-watched this one as well, and tiny Cory Haim and Everett “Big Ed” McGill were AWESOME. Honestly, the werewolf looks like a muppet, and the narration is godawful, but there is something joyful about it.

The Stand
Mick Garris took on the most ambitious Stephen King adaptation ever with The Stand; a miniseries which I loved whole-heartedly in 1994, but every time I’ve tried to watch it since then, all I can think is “too long; can’t finish.” The cast has a ton of my favorite people, but something about this epic battle of good and evil gets lost in translation (and a really bad mullet).

Storm of the Century
This is the King film I feel like I have to defend the most, and I think it’s because people don’t believe a Stephen King miniseries can be good (please to be reading what I just said about The Stand). But this is, actually, pretty good. Unlike other miniseries, SotC was not based on an existing novel; instead, King wrote it as a screenplay intended to be filmed. The story and the cast is strong—and Colm Feore totally kills it as the bad guy.

The Tommyknockers
Another mini-series adaptation gone wrong. Traci Lords & her alien-laser lipstick can fuck right off, and the decision to change the ending in order to “save” everyone is the WORST.DECISION.EVER.

Trucks
This is a more straight-up, faithful adaptation to King’s story than Maximum Overdrive, but it’s sooooooooo boring. So so so so so boring. Just. Not good. I’d recommended MO over this, any day.

Other King adaptations I’ve definitely seen before, but remember too little about to write anything meaningful:

Desperation
The Dead Zone
Graveyard Shift
The Night Flier
The Running Man (I’m not really sure this counts as horror either…maybe?)

It’s been a good, long while since I did a proper 31 Days of Horror – so I thought I’d give it a try this year by challenging myself to watch a horror movie I HADN’T YET SEEN every single day in October!

Here’s a list of everything I watched with some mini-reviews:

DAY ONE
THE WRETCHED (2019), directed by The Pierce Brothers
Teenager Ben is shipped off to his father’s house in a small town after getting into some trouble, and quickly notices something is really OFF with the neighbors. After seeing some very strange things, including a shadowy creature hanging around their basement, he investigates further and discovers the terrifying truth!

I was honestly pleasantly surprised by this one! The opening scene is ; the characters are all likable; and the special F/X are pretty gnarly. Sure there are some dumb jump scares, but the bone-cracking, flesh-crawling Dark Mother is really fun, and it did throw a few things my way I wasn’t expecting. It also reminded me of The Guardian (1990), d. by William Friedkin! Now I gotta find that one and give it a rewatch.

This one made some headlines earlier this year by becoming America’s #1 box office film with a strategic Drive-in release — good marketing, for sure! And I think it’s worthy of the hype.

DAY TWO
HOST (2020), directed by Rob Savage
Wowwwwwwwwwwww was this ever impressive! Host is a very tension-filled 57 minutes about a group of friends who decide to do a seance over Zoom to break up the monotony of COVID isolation. But what’s supposed to be a light spiritual exploration quickly turns into something much scarier!

The entire film is shown through a Zoom meeting lens, and each cast member filmed their parts in their own homes — with direction from Savage & some tips from him about creating practical F/X. It’s insanely well made, and was also giving me some serious Blair Witch vibes! Major applause to everyone involved.

(Also this photo is what I looked like the entire time I was watching the movie)

DAY THREE
THE SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II (1987), directed by Deborah Brock
Courtney (Crystal Bernard (from WINGS! Which hi, hello, yes I’m dating myself here), one of the survivors of the driller killer in Massacre l, begs her mom to let her hang out with her girlfriends & bandmates at a condo in the desert to celebrate her 17th birthday. She’s also planning to hook up with hottie Matt while she’s there! But things start getting weird whenever she imagines “going all the way” — a leather jacketed serial killer with a bright red guitar/giant drill appears and makes her hallucinate. And it’s only a matter of time before her dreams make him a REAL threat.

This movie is a whole VIBE that I was not at all prepared for! It’s an 80s fever dream of a sequel with an Elvis-styled singing, supernatural serial killer. While ll lacks the clever sting of the original, it’s so over-the-top that it’s ridiculously enjoyable & I absolutely understand the cult love for it.

DAY FOUR
SCARE ME (2020), directed by Josh Ruben
While vacationing at a remote cabin, wanna be novelist Fred (Ruben) runs into Fanny, a successful horror novelist — staying at another cabin nearby. A power outage brings the two of them together and they decide to swap scary stories to pass the time.

This was a fun little “mumble-horror” treat — I laughed a lot and was bracing myself for something crazy to happen at the end, and while it wasn’t as crazy as I think it should have been, it was still pretty good.

DAY FIVE
VIVARIUM (2019), directed by Lorcan Finnegan
Young couple Tom & Gemma decide it’s time to look for a permanent residence, and end up in a housing development called Yonder via a recommendation from a very strange real estate agent. Yonder is a cookie cutter suburban neighborhood; all the houses are the same, with the same unsettling green color palette.

Creeped out after just a few moments, they attempt to leave but find their car just keeps circling back to house #9. Then they discover a box containing a baby. The note attached to the box says “raise the child and you’ll be set free.” With no other choice, Tom & Gemma embark on raising what is essentially a monster, with no possible escape until the child is fully grown.

This was terrifying in several different ways — 1) I am already scared of suburbia 2) the “child” screamed its head off, frequently – loudly – and in an ear-splitting tone. 3) it’s one of those very hopeless kinds of horror films; there’s no good outcome, and you feel that from the very beginning. I think it’s pretty good, but I wish I could have adjusted the sound levels on that kid’s scream!

DAY SIX
DISPLACED (2020), directed by Josh Atkinson
Nate, the only survivor of a satanic cult that went up in literal flames when he was a child, uses his past experience in a career helping other displaced and abused children. But while he’s an excellent therapist and case worker, Nate still suffers from nightmares and paranoia fueled by his trauma — to the point where he installs cameras in every one of the units in the brownstone owned by his grandmother.

Shortly after a neighbor mysteriously disappears, wholesome Midwest couple Lucas & Heather move in. While they’re the first white couple in the building, rich white folks moving in is an increasing occurrence in Nate’s Brooklyn neighborhood. Nate starts noticing strange things about the couple almost immediately, but can his feelings be trusted? Or is he hallucinating his observations because of his childhood experiences in the cult?

Displaced suffers a bit from its low budget (16k) in terms of some awkward acting, clunky edits, and a few rough transitions — but those things also serve to make it almost endearing to the viewer as it tackles the larger theme of gentrification and privilege in a “satanic panic” wrapper. While some of the messages are pretty heavy-handed, it was still an enjoyable and interesting watch. (Seen as part of the Salem Horror Fest 2020 lineup)

DAY SEVEN
THE OTHER LAMB (2019), directed by Małgorzata Szumowska
A coming-of-age drama set in a cult run by a handsome “Shepherd” — consisting of many wives and many daughters. Shepherd chooses one wife each night to “give his grace” to (and yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like) while the other women crowd together in one big airstream bed.

Anyway, it’s all lamb’s blood rituals, sensual oil anointments, and blissful speaking in tongues until devout daughter Selah begins to mature and learns some hard truths from a banished older wife. Namely that as soon as you get your period, you’re marked as “unclean” and have to stay away from the rest of the pure women in the tribe for the duration — also he’s got a thing for choking his beloveds, so that’s fun.

Things really start escalating once police discover the off-the-grid cult and force them to start a hard and long journey on foot to find their new Eden. Shepherd loses his cool along the way and takes it out on one of his daughters, and Selah starts to realize that maybe daddy isn’t the best dude in the world. Hey, also, why aren’t there any male children?!

Aiieeeeeeeeeee. I really liked this, but holycrap does it also feel a little too close to home right now. The tragic events that kickstart Selah’s strength are almost too much, and watching her realize she’s worth more is bittersweet. Still, it’s fucking beautiful; the cast is perfect (someday we’re gonna have to talk about Michiel Huisman’s uncanny ability to play creepy cult members); and of course I’m all about rebelling against the patriarchy. SMASH IT

DAY EIGHT
LAKE MUNGO (2008), directed by Joel Anderson
This is a mockumentary/found footage hybrid and the mockumentary part is so authentic that I had to pause it 15 minutes in and make sure I wasn’t watching a different movie with the same title! This is what I get for randomly picking films without looking at the loglines.

The Palmers’ 16-year-old daughter Alice goes missing while swimming with her family, and her body is later discovered. Shortly after, strange occurrences start happening at the house: vivid dreams, mysterious noises in the house, blurred images of Alice in recent photos — and eventually captured in video!

After a series of seemingly supernatural occurrences, Alice’s family contacts a medium and also makes a startling discovery about her secret life.

There are some comparisons to be drawn here between Alice and Twin Peaks’ Laura — more than just their last name and age. I got super drawn into the mystery of what happened to her, and all the actors gave incredibly authentic performances. Definitely recommend this one!

DAY NINE
THE STRINGS (2020), directed by Ryan Glover
Heartbroken musician Catherine (Teagan Johnston – who plays her own music in the film) heads to her aunt’s isolated cabin to recoup and work on some new pieces. While there, she meets up with photographer Grace who suggests they take some shots at a creepy house with a haunted history. After Catherine looks at the photos and sees a shadowy figure behind her in them she starts hearing noises in the night, feeling like she’s being watched, and having very strange dreams.

We watch Catherine as she navigates her feelings alone — scared of something she’s not sure is there, and also about the new feelings she’s having for Grace. Did she really see something in those photos? And is she in danger from whatever it might be?

The spooky atmosphere in this is just perfection — it’s a quiet, subtle, scary horror on so many different levels. The scenery shots are insanely gorgeous, the score compliments the vibe — as well as Johnston’s dreamy indie pop, and the third act delivers a terrifying conclusion to the strange happenings Catherine experiences. Augggghhhhh! This movie is was clearly made for me, because I love it so much.

A big reason I fell so hard for it is because all the characters are just so REAL. We see Catherine go through all the feels; wallow, drink, get frustrated with herself, take steps to try and feel free and alive — Johnston brings all of it to her character and it’s beautiful. We also see the moment Grace realizes she’s falling for her; and the concern and fear on both of their faces when they realize what’s happening. (Also yes please to more late night queer crush make-outs on screen.) TBH I just wanna press play again and watch it right now. Where’s my blu-Ray copy?!? I NEED IT

(Seen as part of Salem Horror Fest)

DAY TEN
ANYTHING FOR JACKSON (2020), directed by Justin G. Dyck
Audrey and Henry Walsh love their grandson Jackson more than anything — which is why they’ve kidnapped a pregnant woman and perform a ritual to summon a demon in order to swap Jackson’s soul into the baby and resurrect him from the dead.

But, as Audrey says at one point, the Walsh’s have gotten in a little over their heads. Attending a local satanist group is one thing; using an ancient text to summon the devil is quite another.

This was so much more fun than I was expecting! The comedy of the two grandparents trying to calmly and rationally use dark magics somehow meshes perfectly with the more terrifying scenes. I’m not big on jump scares, but this has some great ones as well as some premium splatter. I’m a fan!

(Seen as part of #Nightstream festival)

DAY ELEVEN
DARKNESS (2019), directed by Emanuela Rossi
Part gothic horror and post-apocalyptic fantasy, DARKNESS is about three sisters dependent on their father to keep them alive.

All Stella (Denise Tantucci), Luce (Gaia Bocci) and Aria (Olimpia Tosatto) know about the outside is that the sun will burn them and the air is not safe to breathe — in fact, their father tells them that women aren’t strong enough to exist outside, only men are. Their mother didn’t heed his warnings and is now dead because of it. The girls have spent years staying inside the family’s crumbling house, and are only allowed to open windows when wearing protective masks and eye goggles that obscure their view.

Now 17, Stella starts to question her father’s motivations and wonder if everything he’s been telling them is true. Driven by a need to protect Luce, who has just reached maturity and is quickly becoming the object of her father’s attentions (yes that’s as horrible as you’re imagining it to be), Stella heads out to see if she can take care of the family without his help, and is shocked at what she discovers.

Director Emanuela Rossi has crafted a beautiful, powerful film that shows the darkness and horror of domestic abuse and control, and also the bond of true family love that can break a destructive cycle. This was a hard watch, but ultimately a really lovely one.

(Seen as part of #Nightstream festival)

DAY TWELVE
LUCKY (2020), directed by Natasha Kermani
This supernatural slasher is about a woman named May who gets terrorized over and over again as the same man breaks into her house and tries to kill her every single night.

May’s husband shrugs off the attacks as if they’re no big deal and implies that it’s somehow her fault this is happening; the police act as if she’s making up the intruder and hiding important details; and even her sister-in-law can only repeat platitudes like:

“These things are tough. It’s just the way things go some times. Life is hard; you just take it one day at a time.” and “You are so brave!”

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but screenwriter (and star) Brea Grant has written a clever satire about the way women have to fight every single day just to be heard. It’s fucking brilliant — wickedly funny, and wayyyyyy too real.

(Seen as part of #Nightstream festival)

DAY THIRTEEN
BOOKS OF BLOOD (2020), directed by Brannon Braga
The film starts with a man named Bennet hired to find the mythical Book of Blood, then moves to the story of Jenna — a young woman suffering from trauma who runs away from home and ends up in an air bnb run by a friendly couple (maybe a Lil TOO friendly). Then we’re introduced to Miles — a grifter who claims to be a medium who cons a grieving mom, but hoooooo boy is he gonna regret that (I LOVED seeing Anna Friel have so much fun with this part). The third story brings us back to Bennet, and shows how his tale crosses the two others. There’s a final piece to Jenna’s story which feels a little out of place, but I see what they were going for.

It took a bit for me to to get into this one, as the “wrapper” wasn’t super interesting to me, but by the time the big reveal happened on story #2, I was IN. While some pieces of this anthology do draw from Barker’s source material, there’s also some new, inspired tales that honor Barker’s creation and also nod towards some other favorite horror films. Lots of fun surprises here, and some really f*cked up resolutions.

DAY FOURTEEN
NOCTURNE (2020), directed by Zu Quirke
Juliet has lived in the shadow of her more talented sister, Vivian, her entire life. Both girls excel at playing piano — but while Juliet has always had to work very hard on her musical abilities, Vivian’s have come almost effortlessly. After Juliet discovers a notebook with mysterious invocations, she starts to change, gaining more confidence in herself. But while she thrives, her sister starts to suffer.

This has very Black Swan vibes! Coming-of-age and satanic rituals — what a combo. A nice blend of suspense and psychological torment. And Sydney Sweeney is perfect. I enjoyed it a lot. One of the new “Welcome to the Blumhouse” selections.

DAY FIFTEEN
THE LIE (2018), directed by Veena Sud
On the way to a school retreat, Kayla spots her friend Brittany waiting at the bus stop and convinces her dad Jay to stop and give Brittany a ride. While pulled over for a bathroom stop, Jay hears a scream and runs to find Kayla on the ledge of a bridge — Brittany nowhere in sight.

After he questions her, Kayla admits the two girls fought and she pushed Brittany off the bridge (!!!) Deciding not to call the police, Jay drives Kayla back home and tells her mother (his ex), Rebecca what happened. In shock, but determined to protect their daughter, the two parents start to spin a web of lies to throw the suspicion off of Kayla before the body is discovered.

Another film in the “Welcome to the Blumhouse” collection, THE LIE is way more in the Thriller camp than Horror — unless we’re talking about the horror of having a teenage daughter (Waka! Waka!). Decent suspense, and honestly I’ll watch Mireille Enos & Peter Sarsgaard do literally ANYTHING, plus Joey King is great, as always. I’m intrigued about the original now (Wir Monster). This is pretty dark, but I’m betting that one is even darker.

DAY SIXTEEN
VICTOR CROWLEY (2017), directed by Adam Green
The fourth film in the Hatchet series is about Andrew Yong, the only survivor of the Crowley massacre in part III. Andrew has written a book about his experience, but despite a healthy fan base, most people consider him a joke and think he’s the murderer (even tho he was cleared of charges). Yong bounces out of his book tour for a million dollar interview that’ll take him back to the swamp.

Meanwhile aspiring director Chloe is on a mission to make a movie about Crowley, and journeying to the swamps to make a crowdfund trailer with her boyfriend and best friend. Chloe also intended to ask Andrew to be in it before he bailed on the signing. As it happens, fate intervenes to place them all in the swamp together just as night falls and Crowley rises from the dead once more.

I leaned into my inner 12-year-old boy for this one — as you must for these films. The Hatchet movies are super bro-y, but I enjoy the ridiculously over the top practical F/X, the purposely bad dialog, and the meta-skewering of classic slasher tropes. And in particular, I love seeing horror icons on screen (this one has Felissa Rose). What I don’t love is the avalanche of dick jokes, and in Victor Crowley it seemed like there were more than usual. This also takes place almost entirely on a crashed plane — which eliminates all the cool NOLA and swamp locations from the previous three. Not mad I watched, because the end was pretty good and I like that a woman survived — but eh. This was my least fave of the series. (If you end up watching, stay tuned thru the credits)

DAY SEVENTEEN
INTO THE DARK: CRAWLERS (2020), directed by Brandon Zuck
Strange things are afoot in a small college town, beyond the usual drunken St. Patrick’s Day madness. Misty’s best friend, Chloe, leaves the bar with a rape-y frat boy, Aaron — and Misty enlists the help of Shauna, the town outcast/drug dealer to help her find her friend. At the fraternity they find Aaron tied up, with a bite taken out of his leg — claiming that he saw the woman he brought home morph into a double of himself after she bit him.

Shauna, Misty, Aaron, and Chloe’s new friend Yuejin go on a quest to find the alien’s nest and destroy it before they can take over the entire town.

This was probably trying to be a bit too clever for its own good — but I really loved that it had a diverse cast and that the women characters were the focus. Decent cast, and it was fun … enough. I just wish it had more splatter.

DAY EIGHTEEN
THE JACK IN THE BOX (2020), directed by Lawrence Fowler
A friend and I have spent many pandemic Saturdays or Sundays picking a deliberately bad movie to watch party together and make fun of, and this was today’s pick.

The UK apparently has a robust indie horror market, and they love their creepy dolls and clowns! This one, of course, features a satanic Jack in the Box who resides in a metal box covered in demonic symbols. When unlocked and turned, it unleashes an evil “Jack” who can pop fully out of the box and walk around, slaughtering people. Its mission is to kill six people, and then I guess it goes back to sleep for six years. I dunno; there were two Jack in the Box “experts” in this film, and they both said different things. I’ll spare you the rest of the plot (plot?!!) because it doesn’t really matter, and there’s no one to care about in this thing.

Anyway, the actual Jack in the box was pretty cool, but when it came out as a full-sized clown-monster; not so much. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ < that about sums it up.

DAY NINETEEN
LITTLE MONSTERS (2019), directed by Abe Forsythe
While on a field trip to the zoo, Miss Caroline, her students, and last-minute volunteer Dave (who’s only there to hit on Miss C) find themselves fighting to survive a zombie outbreak from the nearby military base — and also being trapped in a building with the most selfish children’s entertainer EVER.

This was very, very silly and I didn’t love all of the humor (the fat kid jokes are just …. nope. Also toilet humor and Josh Gad aren’t my cuppa) — BUT Lupita Nyong’o is a goddamn national treasure and I would watch her play “Shake it Off” on a uke and decapitate zombies allllllll day.

It’s worth a watch; a light horror comedy with some genuinely sweet moments — even if I don’t totally buy Dave’s sudden transformation from tantrum-y man-baby to grown ass adult.

DAY TWENTY
THE TAKING OF DEBORAH LOGAN (2014), directed by Adam Robitel
As part of her thesis, college student Mia hires a documentary crew and heads to the home of Deborah Logan to document her diagnosis of early onset Alzheimer’s. Daughter Sarah has welcomed the filmmakers as a way to provide financial support so her mother can keep their family home, but Deborah is skeptical about their intentions.

After a few strange sleepwalking incidents, Deborah begins to physically harm herself and attack the others wildly. It soon becomes clear that something is possessing Deborah, and it’s on a mission to complete a horrifying task.

I had heard good things about this one, but I was absolutely not prepared for any of what happened! This was TERRIFYING and kept me guessing the whole time. It’s a great example of how to effectively do found footage. Plus it has a fantastic cast — Jill Larson, who plays Deborah, deserves a goddamn Oscar. Just WOW.

DAY TWENTY-ONE
GIRL ON THE THIRD FLOOR (2019), directed by Travis Stevens
Annoying bro-dude Don moves to a fixer-upper in the burbs, intending to make it all nice for his pregnant wife. While making improvements, Don finds mysterious things seeping out of the walls, random marbles, and uh — some kind “viewing platform” above the bedroom.

He also finds a young woman named Sarah, who seduces him in like, 5 seconds. When Don’s friend Milo shows up to help, he meets Sarah and realizes Don is a cheating dirtbag — chews him out, and threatens to tell his wife … and that’s when Sarah starts to murderin’.

Even though it had some pretty great practical F/X, this one just didn’t land for me. The main character was such an asshole I had zero investment in his survival; Sarah’s backstory was a total throwaway that made little sense; and the long suffering wife didn’t even get any good closure. Meh. Skip it; it’s not even fun

DAY TWENTY-TWO
THE BROOD (1979), directed by David Cronenberg
This is SOMETHING. Frank is in the middle of a custody battle with his soon-to-be ex, Nola, who is currently in a new kind of “psychoplasmic” treatment at the Somafree Institute, under the care of Dr. Raglan (Oliver! Reed!). Raglan’s methods are hella suspect; he engages in weird role play with his patients so they relive the trauma, and believes healing can come only when someone physically manifests their trauma and excises it. Hold on, what?!

After everyone around him starts dying, Frank does some investigating and discovers that Nola, who has suffered years of abuse from her alcoholic mother, is “birthing” her trauma as little malformed children who are controlled by her moods — in particular, by her rage. Frank and Raglan work together to rescue daughter Candice from Nola and her brood, and eeeeesssssssshhhh the result is v. uncomfortable.

So Anthony and Stacy talked about this one on the Gaylords of Darkness podcast, and I realized it’s one of the only Cronenberg films I haven’t seen so I had to check it out because their descriptions of it sounded AMAZING. The demons of a messy divorce (Cronenberg’s own) get turned into a freaky body horror opus that illuminates men’s fears about women, childbirth, menstruation – you name it.

The snow-suited murder littles are delightful and also HORRIFYING, and Samantha Eggers (Nola) in that final showdown is OMG sooooooo impressive. The feral way in which she reacts to her ex threatening her “children” is glorious! I loved it. I have some QUESTIONS — like why is Frank the worst dad in the world? Did he seriously leave his child with her super abusive grandma? WTF? — but I’m also a big Cronenberg fan and this is just as weird and wonderful as the rest of his filmography.

DAY TWENTY-THREE
INTO THE DARK: PURE (2019), directed by Hannah Macpherson
Two half sisters go to a Purity Camp with their father (ewwwwwwwwww) to “pledge” themselves to him and God, promising to stay virgins until marriage. The more rebellious sister gathers a group of girls to jokingly summon the spirit of Lilith in order to punish all the self-righteous toxic masculine dudes who organized the camp — and Lilith eventually arrives.

There isn’t anything scarier than the cult of patriarchy, and hooooo boy did this nail how terrifying it is to be a woman and have men constantly trying to control your body. This took awhile to get going and I wish Lilith had shown up earlier, but when she finally does and summons the full power of her coven, the revenge is pretty sweet.

DAY TWENTY-FOUR
SEASON OF THE WITCH (aka HUNGRY WIVES, or JACKS’S WIFE – 1972), directed by George A Romero
Housewife Joan is positively bored out of her mind and can’t even with all the chatter from her other housewife “friends” — so when she meets a tarot reader who mentions witchcraft, she’s immediately intrigued. Directly after her teen daughter runs away and her husband smacks her around, Joan starts dabbling in the craft, and the very first thing she does is summon her daughter’s annoying “prof with benefits” over for sexy times.

This took a good long while to ramp up, but it’s got some REALLY interesting themes. It’s insane that Romero wrote a script that’s so progressive, and even more impressive that it reflects a woman’s experience so accurately. I cheered as Joan found herself again, embracing her coven and finding true freedom. The last scene with her is pure FIRE!

DAY TWENTY-FIVE
ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE (2013), directed by Jim Jarmusch
Two vampires: Adam, a reclusive musician in Detroit, and Eve, a woman draped in luxury in Tangiers, reconnect to talk about “life,” love and art. Everything goes beautifully until Eve’s vampire sister Ava shows up and starts damaging their calm.

This looks gorgeous and Hiddleston & Swinton are perfect vampires, but it’s less horror and more “Vampires, they’re just like us.” There’s something here about people taking credit for other artists’ work, and the vampirism definitely stands in for addiction (drinking blood makes them high, and they no longer drink direct from humans because of possible contamination) — and I wasn’t super into any of it. I like more aggressive killing in my vamp movies!

DAY TWENTY-SIX
INCIDENT IN A GHOSTLAND (aka: GHOSTLAND – 2018), directed by Pascal Laugier
Single mom Pauline arrives at her new home with daughters Vera & Beth — a creepy old mansion filled with terrifying dolls and vintage puzzle tricks. Shortly after arriving, a mysterious candy truck the trio had passed earlier pulls up, and two men break into the house and begin torturing and assaulting the sisters.

The family narrowly escapes, and sixteen years later, Beth is now a famous horror author whose latest book is about her childhood trauma. After receiving a panicked called from Vera, she heads back home to check on her mother and sisters and discovers that Vera now lives in a fantasy world where she believes the torturers are still there, causing her pain. After seeing some strange omens and hearing noises in the night — Beth starts to think maybe her sister’s right.

Thankfully this isn’t as traumatic as Laugier’s Martyrs (a movie I loved but can never watch again because it wrecked me) but HOLYSHIT did it still pack a punch. Hey let’s just take all the things that scare Amie and bundle ‘em up into one film: a remote farmhouse; rooms filled with creepy dolls; almost supernaturally strong villains — auuuggghhhh.

Some of this gave me good cheesy 80s slasher vibes, but most of it felt like very real trauma and terror. Emilia Jones & Taylor Hickson, who play the two teen girls, are INCREDIBLE actors! As are Crystal Reed & Anastasia Phillips, who play their adult counterparts. And while the villains are pretty cardboard, they still carry weight. There are some House of 1,000 Corpses comparisons to be made here, and Laugier must know that because Vera says, “What is this? Rob Zombie’s house?” at the start, but honestly I prefer this version. Clever, icky, uncomfortable, gory, and brutal — truly the stuff of nightmares.

DAY TWENTY-SEVEN
PYEWACKET (2018), directed by Adam MacDonald
Shortly after her father dies, Leah’s mom moves them to a new house several hours away for a fresh start. Unfortunately this means Leah is separated from her best friends. Unable to cope with her feelings about losing her father, Leah channels all of her anger at her mom and cracks open the occult books to summon a demonic spirit to … KILL her mother. Of course she has regrets once weird shit starts happening, but there’s no easy way to reverse a curse.

There’s a lot of layers to this one, and it gets extra points for accurately portraying the hell of being a teen girl. I was super into it, and when the final scene hit my jaw DROPPED. Don’t mess around with the dark arts, y’all! There’s always a heavy price to pay.

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT
THE DEVIL’S DOORWAY (2018), Directed by Aislinn Clarke
In October of 1960, two priests are sent to investigate a miracle at a Magdalene asylum (aka a Magdalene laundry — Google it; another part of the Irish Catholic Church’s history that’s almost too awful to believe), bringing a camera so they can capture it on film. What they find instead is a host of abuses visited upon the young female “wards” by the nuns, and a pregnant teen named Kathleen who’s kept locked and chained in a remote room in the basement.

After attempting to free Kathleen and discovering she has a tendency to attack anyone in her path, the nuns restrain her under the pretense of mental illness. After witnessing some very strange phenomena, the priests realize she’s exhibiting signs of demon possession. And though they may not be able to save her, they can try their best to save her child.

I don’t know why I slept on this one for so long; it’s fantastic! A creepy old asylum with a ton of rooms and hallways and secret underground passages — run by what has to be the scariest nun ever; mischievous child ghosts scaring the shit out of visitors; and the most terrifying birth scene ever. THE SOUNDS OMG THE SOUNDS. The added horror is the knowledge that these types of asylums existed in Ireland until 1996! Eeeeeesssh. It’s told in found footage style on 16mm film in a 4:3 aspect ratio, and it looks amazing. Also, it’s the first horror film to be written and directed by an Irishwoman.

DAY TWENTY-NINE
THE ROW (2018), Directed by Matty Beckerman
Freshman Riley Cole (Lala from Vanderpump Rules, which should tell you all you need to know about this) pledges Phi Lambda with her BFF and endures some pretty heinous hazing. While looking into the sorority’s history she discovers that her mom (who died when she was seven) was a part of the same sorority — a fact that her father concealed from her. It’s not long before a masked serial killer starts murdering members of the sorority house, chopping them apart, and sewing their body parts to mannequins to create blood-soaked “dolls.” Could Riley be next? And what does this have to do with her mom?

I was hoping this was be bad-good, but nope. It was just plain bad. Beckerman clearly watched the Ice Truck Killer eps of Dexter one too may times, because the way the killer dispatches victims is completely disconnected from the trauma that triggered his revenge. It’s a total mess; a mish-mash of incomplete ideas with about 30 minutes of actual story jammed in between many extended club/party sequences that basically are just EDM montages of kids doing shot after shot of Jaegermeister. SKIP IT

DAY THIRTY
HIS HOUSE (2020), Directed by Remi Weekes
Refugees Bol & Rial escape South Sudan and seek sanctuary in England. Their marriage, already under the strain of losing their daughter on the journey, suffers anew once they arrive at their government-provided “home,” which is rife with problems: crumbling walls, sooooo many cockroaches, ruined furniture on the front lawn, and uh …. a bunch of restless spirits who scrabble around in the walls and scare the crap out Bol whenever he turns the lights on (or off). Also, hey Bol? Maybe QUIT STICKING YOUR HANDS INSIDE THOSE HOLES IN THE WALLS.

A friend recommend this one to me and it’s SO GOOD! It’s a story that encompasses the real life horrors of fleeing a country in order to save your own life, and ending up in a place that won’t accept you because of where you’re from. It addresses grief and guilt, wrapping a supernatural element around them — and it also takes a turn I absolutely was not expecting.

Really amazing storytelling, terrifying ghosts, and solid leads. Also I’m just gonna declare my massive crush on Wunmi Mosaku right here. Love her on Lovecraft Country; love her in this; must seek out every single other thing she’s in. Highly recommend this one!

DAY THIRTY-ONE
BAD HAIR (2020), Directed by Justin Simien
Set in 1989, aspiring music show host Anna will do anything to succeed in image-obsessed Hollywood — even it means getting an expensive weave that is painfully attached. Once her hair changes, things start looking up for Anna’s career, but then she discovers her weave requires human blood to stay healthy and beautiful.

There’s no doubt this is fun, and I enjoyed the way it blended real-life struggles that Black women face both professionally and privately. I also was really into the lore of where the killer weave came from. I think it works if you view it as campy satire and don’t take it too seriously!

And that’s a wrap on the “new to me” 31 Days of Horror Project! Pretty stoked I saw a lot of good stuff; not too many that I didn’t care for in this batch.